The Imago Dialogue

Effective communication is essential to a good relationship.  Good communication skills may not solve problems or resolve issues, but no problems can be solved or issues resolved without them.

 

Defined as the verbal or non-verbal exchange of information, meaning and feelings between two persons, communication covers every possible way we can interact.  We may communicate well or poorly, but we cannot not  communicate.  One of the most effective forms of communication between persons in a committed love relationship is the Imago Dialogue.  It consists of three processes: mirroring, validation and empathy.

 

Mirroring is the process of accurately reflecting back the “content” of a message from your partner.  The most common form of mirroring is paraphrasing.  A “paraphrase” is a statement in your own words of what the message your partner sent means to you.  It indicates that you are willing to transcend your own thoughts and feelings for the moment and attempt to understand your partner from his/her point of view.  Any response made prior to mirroring is often an “interpretation” and may contain a misunderstanding.  Mirroring allows your partner to send his/her message again and permits you to paraphrase until you do understand.

 

Validation is a communication to the sending partner that the information begin received and mirrored “makes sense.”  It indicates that you can see your partner’s point of view and can accept its validity – it is “true” for the partner.  Validation is a temporary suspension or transcendence of your point of view that allows your partner’s experience to have its own reality.  Typical validating phrases are:  “I can see that . . .”; “You make sense to be because . . .”; “I can understand that . . .”  Such phrases convey to your partner that their subjective experience has its own logic and is a valid way of looking at things.  To validate your partner’s message does not mean that you agree with his/her point of view or that it reflects your subjective experience.  It merely recognizes the fact that in any communication between two persons, there are always two points of view, and every report of any experience is an “interpretation” which is the “truth” for each person.  It also recognizes that no “objective view” is possible.  The process or mirroring and validation affirms the other person and increases trust and closeness.

 

Empathy recognizes the “self” in the other.  It is the process of reflecting, imagining or participating in the feelings the sending partner is experiencing about the event or the situation being reported.  This deep level of communication attempts to recognize, reach into and, on some level, experience the emotions of the sending partner.  This empathy allows both partners to transcend their separateness, even if only for a moment, and to experience a genuine “meeting.”  Such and experience has remarkable healing power.  Typical phrases for empathic communication include:  “and I can imagine that you must feel . . .,” “and when you experience that, I hear . . .,” “I understand that you feel . . .,” and “that makes sense to me,” and at the deepest level, “I am experiencing your (feelings etc.). . .”

 

A complete dialogue transaction may then sound as follows:  “So, I understand you to be saying that if I don’t look at you when you are talking to me, you think that I am uninterested in what you are saying.  I can understand that.  You make sense because when I don’t look at you, I do appear uninterested.  I can imagine that you would feel rejected and angry.  Is that how you feel?.”

The reciprocal exchange of this process is the  couples dialogue.

 

 

Imago Dialogue

(From Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. adapted by Jamie Kyne, Ph.D.)

 

What follows is an articulation of the three tools of effective dialogue.  Think of your conversations with your partner as the real toolbox of your relationship.  Through your conversations you are engaged in your best communication.  Sure, you’re also communicating with each other through your actions and various other means throughout the day but it’s when you’re talking to one another that you have the opportunity to really understand each other and to be understood.  When you are talking about something important with your partner – that’s the time the Imago Dialogue is most useful.

 

Think of the Imago Dialogue as the Toolbox and within it you have three important tools:  Mirroring, Validation, and Empathy.

 

Mirroring

 

Mirroring is the process of accurately reflecting back to your partner the content of what they are saying.  You’re using your EYES and EARS as in:

 

“I see / hear what you’re saying.”

 

To mirror you simply repeat or paraphrase what your partner has said in order to check with them that you’ve accurately heard what they mean to communicate.  Sometimes it helps to condense their statement into its essence.  It does not include interpretation or any form of elaboration on what your partner is saying.  Good stems to which you can add are:

 

“So you’re saying . . .”

“I hear you saying . . .”

 

They may make corrections to what you reflect back (this may be a sign that you’re helping them further refine what they want to say!) and you simply mirror those back to them as well.  Mirroring includes an accuracy check like,

 

“Have I got you?”

“Is that what you are saying?”

“Am I with you on that?”

 

Mirroring can also include an invitation to say more after you have your partner’s first piece.  The invitation can be sweet to your partner’s ears as you’re offering to further listen and understand.  It goes something like,

 

 

“Is there more to that?”

“Will you say more about it?”

“Please go on if you want to.”

 

So, Mirroring involves:

 

(a)   repeating or paraphrasing

(b)   an accuracy check, “Am I getting you?” etc.

(c)    an invitation, “Is there more?”

 

NOTE:  The toughest part about mirroring consists of harnessing or containing your reactions to what your partner is saying!  To use the mirroring tool well one has to refrain from trying to do anything else while using it.  This can be especially tough when your partner says something that you have a strong thinking or feeling reaction to (often involving a defensive feeling).  Harness this and hold it in the harness until your partner is in the listening role so you’ll really be heard.  Wait until you’ve agreed to switch and have their full attention!

 

Validation

 

Validation is the second tool to use from the Couples Dialogue communication toolbox.  After you’ve been through a few cycles of mirroring, accuracy checking, and asking “Is there more?” you’re ready to validate what your partner is saying to you.  Here you’re going to use your HEAD and support your partner through telling them that they make sense.  You don’t have to agree with all of what they are saying (especially if they’re saying things about you or what motivates you) but you want to let your partner know that you don’t think they’re crazy for what they’ve said to you.  The phrase that best starts off a validation is,

 

“What you’re saying makes sense because . . .”

 

There are two kinds of validation.  You must basically find a piece of what your partner has said that makes sense and focus on that but you can choose where you want to find the sense in it.

 

The Generic Validation has to do with seeing the basic human sense in what they’re saying.  It would be something like:

 

“You make sense when you say that you feel ignored when I walk out of the room because being left alone can make for that feeling.”

 

Or, “You make sense when you’re saying that you’re angry about my having spent that money because I know you wanted to spend it on something else.”

 

The Power Validation has, as its name implies, a more powerful effect in the direction of validation your partner.  What gives it its extra “oomph” is that you’re going to claim your part in contributing to what your partner is talking about.  Listen to the owning of the speaker’s part in things in these examples of Power Validation:

 

“You make sense when you say that you feel ignored with me because I do sometimes just walk out of the room when we’re talking.”

 

Or, “You make sense when you’re saying that you’re angry about my having spent that money because I did, in fact, make that choice knowing that you wanted to spend it on something else.”

 

When you can claim your part in something, you’re making a very powerful validation of your partner’s experience.  This goes a long way in bringing couples together!  It’s wonderful when you can stretch into this kind of support for your partner and you’ll often see the results immediately on their face when you claim your part in an issue like this.

 

 

Empathy

 

Here’s where you get to use your HEART!  To be empathic is to be tuned in to someone’s feelings and even to resonate some with them yourself.  To use this third tool in the Couples Dialogue toolbox you’re going to make a guess at what your partner is feeling about the topic or issue they’re in.  You’ve let them know you’ve heard and seen what they’re saying.  You’ve shown them that you see the sense in it.  You’ve managed to harness and contain your own inner reactions saving them for when your partner is ready to really listen to you.  The icing on the cake is in your letting your partner know that you’re going to open your heart to what they’re feeling.

 

The technique for Empathy is to offer, after your Validation, a word or two as to what your hunch is of what they’re feeling.  Good sentence stems for this are:

 

“I imagine / guess / make up / wonder if you’re feeling . . .”

 

Notice that you’re not saying that you “know” what they are feeling.  We can’t read people’s minds and we want to encourage our partner to ultimately be the one responsible for communicating his/her feelings to us.  So, we’re just going to string out some bait, as it were, a word or two that we are guessing will get their feeling state but which we expect might be modified or added to by them to really label their feelings.

 

We offer the word or two, if they’ve used a feeling word in speaking already then it’s good to repeat that one.  Try to also come up with one new one to take things deeper.  Then ask them,

 

“Is that what you are feeling?”

“Have I got the feeling?”

 

They’ll confirm where your guess hits or doesn’t then perhaps add more to it, which you’ll then mirror:

 

“OK, so you’re also feeling . . .”

“Oh, so you’re not feeling . . . but instead feel . . . “

 

Once you’ve completed this piece you’ve successfully used every tool in the toolbox and you’ve probably given your partner quite a soothing and supportive experience!  Congratulations!

 

Now you have the option of continuing in the listener role and asking for more (essentially going through the three tools again) or of asking your partner to be the listener and use the tools so you can share your response (you’ve done the hard work of containing it so you can now enjoy your partner’s willingness to switch roles and listen to you if you wish).